Ingredients for a smooth transition into motherhood
There is no handbook for becoming a mother, no one-size-fits-all answers for mothers to follow with their babies and children. Yes, there are many books and articles. Yes, there are many opinions (sometimes what feels like too many) to listen to. The truth is that each child is unique and each match between parent and child is as well. What this means is that the best parenting advice and information you can use is that which comes from your own mama heart and soul. That knowing inside you that often becomes clouded because of the abundance of information and opinions circulating everywhere you look and turn. The expectation for mothers today is that of perfection. Every single decision that could be made for your child has socially prescribed answers, so many answers, each one of them thought to be the “right” answer, that it’s no wonder mothers today are so overwhelmed.
The first ingredient for a smooth transition into motherhood is to breathe. When you are feeling overwhelmed, like this is just too hard, like you are failing, STOP, and take three slow, long, deep breaths. Close your eyes, and BREATHE.
Next, TUNE in. Remember that your anxiety not only stems from wanting to do what’s best for your baby, but also from the intense pressure that has been put on you by our culture, as well as well-meaning friends and family. Often our friends and family have the best intentions, and want to share their own beliefs, and what has worked for them and their child. Please remember, mama, that just because something has worked for them and their child does not mean it has to be what works for you and your child. YOU have been matched with your child who is unique and different than any other, so while you can certainly apply any ideas that might work for you, ultimately you are allowed to love and nurture and care for your baby however feels right to you. And when that outside noise is lowered and you take a moment to ATTUNE to your own child, and TUNE into your inner knowing as that child’s mother, you will make the best decisions for that precious being. You were given all that you need to mother your child.
Social media has only amplified the idea of the “perfect” mother. And the constant comparisons leave many women feeling inadequate as moms. If you find that you have somehow jumped on the comparison train, the third ingredient is to lower your social media activity, and even better, to take a break. See it as a challenge. DIGITAL DETOX. Delete apps off your phone so you don’t receive notifications, and use that time to fill yourself up in more wholesome ways. Which leads to the fourth ingredient: SELF-CARE. This term has almost become a weapon against mothers because of the pressure that it, in itself, can create!! But the meaning of self-care here is to recognize the value of the self in this new role as mother. The sacrifice for a woman begins in pregnancy and continues for the rest of her life. But especially during the adjustment period, it is not an easy task to figure out how to put one’s own needs on the to-do list when infants and children require so much of us. Push away any guilt and allow yourself at least one self-care activity every single day, whether that is having a bath, going to the store alone, having a nap, reading a book, talking to a friend on the phone, listening to an inspiring podcast, spending time in nature, or anything else that recharges the batteries of your soul in order for you to continue to give endlessly the way you are giving. You matter too.
The next ingredient is to give yourself permission to FEEL. It’s important for you to understand mama, that you are allowed to FEEL all the feels in this new role. You are allowed to feel tired, bored, frustrated, unhappy, sad, and any other emotion that comes flooding in. Positivity can be toxic when we are given the message that we should never feel these types of emotions. Positivity becomes toxic when we are told we should avoid, ignore, or distract ourselves from our own humanness! Being human is not just feeling happy! Being human is not only feeling joy as a mother. Women are still too often shamed for feeling anything other than joy. Being human as a mother is feeling joy one moment or one day, and the next also sitting on the bathroom floor sobbing because you feel defeated. So please give yourself permission to FEEL and make space for those more difficult emotions to surface. It might be uncomfortable especially in our culture of fixing and distracting, but giving yourself that freedom to sit with these human emotions helps release them so you can carry on.
Finally, connection. CONNECTION is the final ingredient and possibly the most important. As mothers we were not meant to do this alone. Our culture is one of very few in the world that expects this of us. This isolating notion that mothers should have it all together all the time and should love every minute of it is slowly being broken down but it still exists. What does this do to women who are finding their new role difficult? What does this do to women who are struggling to keep it together? It causes self-isolation which leads to depression and anxiety. Women who feel they are the only ones who are “failing” withdraw and mental health begins to decline. And the reason these moms feel they are failing is because we don’t openly talk enough about how hard it really is, for ALL of us. There is no harder job in the world. So let’s come together and support one another. Connection is vital for a smooth transition and that will look different for all of us. There is no one size fits all here either. Here are some options for connection:
Find at least one other mom friend to spend time with.
Join mom and baby classes.
If you’re struggling with your mental health, find a therapist who works with new moms or a support group to join. There are many out there.
Go for a walk with baby to a park and simply connect eyes with the other parents – you are bound to share a smile of solidarity with one who acknowledges the tough parts.
Becoming a mother may be one of the hardest transitions you will ever go through, so please remember this is normal. When you feel overwhelmed, take a moment and breathe. When you feel like a failure, don’t forget you already have all you need within your own heart and soul to mother your unique child. Please mama, add yourself to the list because you matter too. Don’t forget to make space for those harder emotions; you are human, not perfect. And most importantly, you don’t have to do this alone.